Happy Birthday

This post supposed to be update few weeks ago, but I've no time to write plus, I'm kinda bone idle. Lol..
This post is about my 21st birthday. Well, I didn't celebrate my birthday, just like usual, stay at house, surfed net and watched drama, haha. Before my birthday, I waited with bated breath cause I know I'll get my iPhone 4 and my platinum key necklace in my birthday. Hahas. I'd like to take this opportunity to say a big Thank to my lovely brother and my lovely cousin sister, they gave me the thing that I yearned for many years. According to my auntie said a key represent another stage of life begin, get a key to unlock your life. I love it so much and its always with me cause I'm wearing this all the time. (Speaking nonsense) I am ever so grateful for my brother whose always giving in to my inexorable demands all the time.

Thank to my college's friend Tan Ying Fang whose sent me a birthday gift from Johor, and I quite like the shirt cause its branded and also is my favorite color, white color, hahas. Will show you my birthday gifts to you all later. Of course, cannot forget my bosom friend which is Jujube. Thank for her dinner, a delicious, delightful with romantic dinner. We went to San Francisco Steak House which located nearby Hotel Imperia, previously named as Hotel Casurina. I ordered a Rib Eye Steak with medium well, its so tempted when I writting about this. Give me a steak with medium well please!!! After dinner, we went to Euro house again and I met my childhood's friends there. I do like to hang out sometime cause it can bump into my old friend which I never see them ages ago. Three of them, one of them I don't really remember her, her name is Sannda. She said she was afraid of me when I was a kid especially when I cried out loud, they will run away from me, funny right? Hahas. Another one is Mandy, she will walk down the aisle by this weekend and inevitably, I received her pink bomb, how lucky I am, right? Well, this is the very first time I got an invitation card from my friend, actually I quite happy with that although I've to pay angpow. Congratz to her anyways. And the last one is Samantha Yip, she was my godmother's daughter, I see her every year. Of course I won't let the opportunity slipped away from my finger, we took photos together as a commemoration. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize with Jujube, cause I left her alone when I chatting with my old friends. I'm sorry. And I get a same reciprocate as well, she read her novel for half an hour and gave me the brush-off, T.T. Jujube, you're so cruel to me. I think that's all, bye.

 iPhone 4  from my brother. Very thank you to you.

Platinum Key Necklace from my cousin sister. Thank you very much.











A birthday card designed by Tan Ying Fang. She's wat too creative.

My old friends, left: Sannda, Mandy, Klosen and Samantha.














A birthday gift from Tan Ying Fang,; converse shirt. Thanks ya..

A birthday dinner from Jujube. Rib eye steak with medium well. Thanks ya.













The front page of the card.

Everything goes to an end, I guess

Finally, everything goes to an end. Never thought that I've that courage to tell everything to you, and I did it. Yesterday was my 21st birthday, and to be honest and candid I lost everything in my birthday, how great it is. Although it is not a good ending but at least I can heave a sigh of relief. And again, I want to apologize to all my friends, I leave without a word, let you guys so worried about me. I'm fine, I guess. What I did is not easy for me, I have to make a decision which could change my whole life. 3 weeks, I took 3 weeks to make a decision without any interference, I sat alone in the office, in my room to think of everything, and looked for every possibilities that will come out at the end, and finally, I have made it. It would be my another turning point in my life. There are so many 'victims' in this decision, and what I can do is just apologize. I hurt my best friends, few of them, and I didn't mean to hurt anyone, but this is just inevitable. Reality always not follow our will, it always happened in an opposite way which we really don't like to see it. And sorry to all my high school's friends, I removed all of you from my facebook and msn. I promised you all will add you all back after this incident, and again, I'm sorry, I couldn't make it. I broke my promises, I'm sorry. I shunned you guys all those time, and now I still can't get back to you guys, may be I am better off without you guys or may be I am not deserve it. So far, I used to my new life, I don't want to change it back to my previous' life. They always says there's a choice, but for me, there's no choice, there's no other way better than this, I reckoned. I am not running away from the reality, and I know it is inevitable, so I chose to face it, I chose to face the reality. This is why we always called it as 'the ugly truth'. I've tried many approaches to change my life, and I realized none of them are effective, so I chose to leave. By giving this chance, I want to thank to those who sent me a birthday wishes to me via cellphone and facebook. And this year, Chan Yee Wei is the first person who called me and text me from Singapore when the time exactly hits to 12am. Well, I'm sorry for not picking up your call as I am still hesitating should I pick up the call. I want to say a million sorry to you that I hurt you again.
So far, I haven't receives any present yet, but as I know, there will be few present waiting for me to catch it. So, thanks to my cousin sister, my lovely brother, Tan Ying Fang (my college's friend), Jujube, Chan Yee Wei, my aunt and I think that is all, if I'm not mistaken. Last but not least, I want to apologize to my another best friend Foong Chee Loon, I didn't mean to hurt you, seriously. You got me wrong from the beginning, and no matter how I explained to you, you seemed not get it though. Though everything ended with disappoinment, but still we have to move on no matter there are many obstacles out there.

Her

We hold many memories of our school days, and we never tire of telling these tales to family and friends. I believe that for many of us, our time at school were some of the best years of our lives and more often than not, we hark back to those carefree years full of play and laughter. Today, I was spacing out during my working time and I recall my freshman year. I missed the time when I am in Sabah, rush assignments, reports, presentations and homework. 24 hours a day really not suffice enough for us to accomplish our task. Due to no time to think anything, seriously, I was happy everyday. She showed up in a sudden, not in front of me, but in my head. She's the second friend I cried for, I used to be with her, tells my things to her and she tells her things to me. We have one common in our life, met someone by a fluke and influenced our life the most and changed our life. We both are Leo, our story are almost the same. I thought I found 'Someone Like You', although you both are huge difference in personality, but I found one common from her----the smell. Her smell just like you, attract me anyways. It sounds weird right? Get attracted by someone's smell. I feel the same for her as I felt for you. Finally, I could just forget about you, this is what I thought at that time. But it wasn't, maybe due to something that happened between us, and she started alienate me which I hate the most and I couldn't used to it. I was sad, jilted, disappointed and hurt. Could you feel the pain when someone you care the most hurt you? I continued to search what I wants although there's so many difficulties but it won't stop me either. As time flew by, I became a vulnerable person with a very fragile heart. But I keep moving on, keep finding 'You', I believe one day you'll just appears in my life and accompany me till the end of my life. Maybe I found you, just I couldn't sure whether is you or not. I always braced myself after every incident happened on me, the wound seems healed, but it is not. And ended up I trust no one. How I wish my commencement of the third sem could be on tomorrow, so that I can get back to a normal life. I lead a pretty mundane existence after I got back here. I thought I will have so much fun here, but it's not. I having much fun when I'm in Sabah, at least we hang out to sing k and have some delicious and delightful meals.

Sorry

I'm sorry, my friends.
Today I received a fb's message from my friend,
she wrote: ''though i dunno what's going on with u, u r ignoring all of us, i feel sad...i thought we r buddies, any1 facing problems shud tell another 1, but u aren't. ok, i can understand, u r not supposed or u dun have responsibility to tell me (us) since that's ur privacy. i dun mean to force u to do so. but i can tell u, we r always here n supporting u..''
I felt touch after I read her msg.
I am not one who has been propped up by anyone.
Maybe I did, sometimes, but not that frequent.
As I wrote in my last post, give me some time to find back myself,
find out who I really am. Despite it's not easy to face it all by myself, but I quite enjoyed during this interim period.
Thanks for you guys concerned about me, I know you guys cares me lots as how I care you all.

Searching

Being able to tell the truth doesn't seemed relieve to me.
And it became my another worried.
I am confusing right now.
I used to gregarious and outgoing, but now I'm like a guy who suffering from autism.
Sometimes, I've the urge to deactivate my facebook account,
shut down my msn and skype account even my cellphone.
How come everything seems so worst with/without telling my thing to my friend?
I always think when I'm spacing out, especially in the office.
It drove me crazy sometimes;
I'm upsetting for something;
I'm depressing for something.
Something that meant a lot to me.
Despite there's a listener, I don't feel relieve when everything is spoken out.
I feels more depressed and sadness are arounds me.
Could I just lead a secluded life without contact with any friends?
Is it the world leaving me or just I myself straying from the world?
Another question.
I think is the time for me to find out who I am.
If you can't contact me, no worries, I'm fine, nothing bad happens on me.
I'm searching, what I wants,
When the time comes, I'll find you guys automatically.
Give me some time to deal with it,
just leave me alone.
Maybe it take me a month, a year or a lifetime;
just let me find out who I am.

Again

Thanks to Jujube who encouraged me to confide my secrets to Jamie.
'Probably she's your soulmate, you should tell her everything.'
Ought I to say 'Thank' to you? I doubts that at this moment.
You were right, I have to find who I really am during this harsh time.
Maybe I used to accomodated to my friends all the time and causing me to lost myself.
I don't know who I really am, I became suspicious of my behaviour sometimes.
But friends around me never sussed.
21 years of my life, I'm not living for myself, I'm living for someone else.
Was that all I wanted it to be? Was that my life?
Urghh, I hates that, I hate myself always questioning something, something which haunted my life ever and I couldn't just get rid of it. Maybe, all I want is a truth.
No one can fathom my feeling unless you were me.
I'm a bigot, no doubt, Jujube and some of my close friends always said that.
I always insisted my thoughts were right.
I'm too sturbborn for certain things, and they always gives me unsolicited advice.
Who needs unsolicited advice?
In my experience, such advice isn't usually about the stuff that really matters anyway.
People generally keep away from the big stuff because they're afraid you will get angry and jettison their friendship. Instead, they stick to giving advice about the lil things.
Sometimes advice doesn't help anything, sometimes it could lead some trivial matter turns to a huge problem.
Some people do like their friends to give advice, so that they got few more options to pick or showing that there are lots of friend out there support you and don't easily give things up.
Sometimes, those advices are work but the possibility is very low.
Actually, the only solution to solve the problem was the person involved. Only the person involved know how to address his difficulties. No one else can help him, friends or families only can showing their support to that person. It all hinges on the person involved; whether want to let it be or just solve the problem, there's no alternative way to stop that.
I do not want to hurt my family nor my friends as I know I could not make it.
Maybe I should be least concerned about the aftermath, just do whatever I wish to do.
But this is not me, yea, sometimes it is but not this time.
Again, my will thwarted by consequences that could happen.

Outing with Jujube

It's been three weeks didn't update my blog.
I have lots of fun with Jujube last night at De Garden.
Apparently, three hours really not enough for us.
Our first round was in 'Strawberry Moment' to have dessert after our dinner.
Undoubtedly, the desserts was nice, prices are reasonable and affordable.
I ordered 'Melt in Mouth' as my dessert and Jujube ordered 'Ava bla bla bla', sorry, forgot the dessert's name. Lol.

Melt in Mouth.

Ava bla bla bla...

She's the one I liked to hang out with, we talked a lot,

unstoppable talking with her life's stories and my stories.
She changed a lot, maybe should've write she learnt a lot from her past-life.

While I still standing there, without any remorse what I did in my past.
She had gone through something that meant a lot to her, well, so am I.

Just we're different individual, have different perspective to everything,

we have our own thoughts for certain things.
I'm happy for her that she found her own self by an incident.

When it comes to my story, I was totally flabbergasted by her remarked ‘so, did you tell your aunt after you jerked off?’ (Cause I said I tell everything to my aunt)

Awkward silent for a while, and I was like ‘Wow, this girl, is it that Jujube I knew?’ Cause she never talk about these things. What an amusing joke.

After Strawberry Moment, we went to second round. We were searching the right place to continue our topic. Our second round was in ‘Oval De Garden’, is a bar actually. It was hot like hell when we got there. We ordered liquor as our drink. Hoegaarden and Leffe Brune, both are from Belgium. Ironically, when we order our drink, the waiter looked at me and said ‘this liquor contains 8.8% of alcohol but it was out of stock.’ Wth! Actually Jujube not allowed me to order that liquor cause later I’ve to ride motorbike to my friend’s house.

Hoegaarden

She was trying my Leffe Brune.

I like this picture pretty much. She was grinning at her way, a natural way.

We chat until twelve quarter, and she have to go back due to I’ve a movie at 12:30am.

Time passed, I hope time could stop there, or give me a lil more time, three hours really not suffice enough for me to chat with her. No doubt, I liked to chat with her individually, without a third party present, it felt nice.

A Big THANK to you, my friend, you brighten up my day.