Her

We hold many memories of our school days, and we never tire of telling these tales to family and friends. I believe that for many of us, our time at school were some of the best years of our lives and more often than not, we hark back to those carefree years full of play and laughter. Today, I was spacing out during my working time and I recall my freshman year. I missed the time when I am in Sabah, rush assignments, reports, presentations and homework. 24 hours a day really not suffice enough for us to accomplish our task. Due to no time to think anything, seriously, I was happy everyday. She showed up in a sudden, not in front of me, but in my head. She's the second friend I cried for, I used to be with her, tells my things to her and she tells her things to me. We have one common in our life, met someone by a fluke and influenced our life the most and changed our life. We both are Leo, our story are almost the same. I thought I found 'Someone Like You', although you both are huge difference in personality, but I found one common from her----the smell. Her smell just like you, attract me anyways. It sounds weird right? Get attracted by someone's smell. I feel the same for her as I felt for you. Finally, I could just forget about you, this is what I thought at that time. But it wasn't, maybe due to something that happened between us, and she started alienate me which I hate the most and I couldn't used to it. I was sad, jilted, disappointed and hurt. Could you feel the pain when someone you care the most hurt you? I continued to search what I wants although there's so many difficulties but it won't stop me either. As time flew by, I became a vulnerable person with a very fragile heart. But I keep moving on, keep finding 'You', I believe one day you'll just appears in my life and accompany me till the end of my life. Maybe I found you, just I couldn't sure whether is you or not. I always braced myself after every incident happened on me, the wound seems healed, but it is not. And ended up I trust no one. How I wish my commencement of the third sem could be on tomorrow, so that I can get back to a normal life. I lead a pretty mundane existence after I got back here. I thought I will have so much fun here, but it's not. I having much fun when I'm in Sabah, at least we hang out to sing k and have some delicious and delightful meals.

Sorry

I'm sorry, my friends.
Today I received a fb's message from my friend,
she wrote: ''though i dunno what's going on with u, u r ignoring all of us, i feel sad...i thought we r buddies, any1 facing problems shud tell another 1, but u aren't. ok, i can understand, u r not supposed or u dun have responsibility to tell me (us) since that's ur privacy. i dun mean to force u to do so. but i can tell u, we r always here n supporting u..''
I felt touch after I read her msg.
I am not one who has been propped up by anyone.
Maybe I did, sometimes, but not that frequent.
As I wrote in my last post, give me some time to find back myself,
find out who I really am. Despite it's not easy to face it all by myself, but I quite enjoyed during this interim period.
Thanks for you guys concerned about me, I know you guys cares me lots as how I care you all.

Searching

Being able to tell the truth doesn't seemed relieve to me.
And it became my another worried.
I am confusing right now.
I used to gregarious and outgoing, but now I'm like a guy who suffering from autism.
Sometimes, I've the urge to deactivate my facebook account,
shut down my msn and skype account even my cellphone.
How come everything seems so worst with/without telling my thing to my friend?
I always think when I'm spacing out, especially in the office.
It drove me crazy sometimes;
I'm upsetting for something;
I'm depressing for something.
Something that meant a lot to me.
Despite there's a listener, I don't feel relieve when everything is spoken out.
I feels more depressed and sadness are arounds me.
Could I just lead a secluded life without contact with any friends?
Is it the world leaving me or just I myself straying from the world?
Another question.
I think is the time for me to find out who I am.
If you can't contact me, no worries, I'm fine, nothing bad happens on me.
I'm searching, what I wants,
When the time comes, I'll find you guys automatically.
Give me some time to deal with it,
just leave me alone.
Maybe it take me a month, a year or a lifetime;
just let me find out who I am.

Again

Thanks to Jujube who encouraged me to confide my secrets to Jamie.
'Probably she's your soulmate, you should tell her everything.'
Ought I to say 'Thank' to you? I doubts that at this moment.
You were right, I have to find who I really am during this harsh time.
Maybe I used to accomodated to my friends all the time and causing me to lost myself.
I don't know who I really am, I became suspicious of my behaviour sometimes.
But friends around me never sussed.
21 years of my life, I'm not living for myself, I'm living for someone else.
Was that all I wanted it to be? Was that my life?
Urghh, I hates that, I hate myself always questioning something, something which haunted my life ever and I couldn't just get rid of it. Maybe, all I want is a truth.
No one can fathom my feeling unless you were me.
I'm a bigot, no doubt, Jujube and some of my close friends always said that.
I always insisted my thoughts were right.
I'm too sturbborn for certain things, and they always gives me unsolicited advice.
Who needs unsolicited advice?
In my experience, such advice isn't usually about the stuff that really matters anyway.
People generally keep away from the big stuff because they're afraid you will get angry and jettison their friendship. Instead, they stick to giving advice about the lil things.
Sometimes advice doesn't help anything, sometimes it could lead some trivial matter turns to a huge problem.
Some people do like their friends to give advice, so that they got few more options to pick or showing that there are lots of friend out there support you and don't easily give things up.
Sometimes, those advices are work but the possibility is very low.
Actually, the only solution to solve the problem was the person involved. Only the person involved know how to address his difficulties. No one else can help him, friends or families only can showing their support to that person. It all hinges on the person involved; whether want to let it be or just solve the problem, there's no alternative way to stop that.
I do not want to hurt my family nor my friends as I know I could not make it.
Maybe I should be least concerned about the aftermath, just do whatever I wish to do.
But this is not me, yea, sometimes it is but not this time.
Again, my will thwarted by consequences that could happen.

Outing with Jujube

It's been three weeks didn't update my blog.
I have lots of fun with Jujube last night at De Garden.
Apparently, three hours really not enough for us.
Our first round was in 'Strawberry Moment' to have dessert after our dinner.
Undoubtedly, the desserts was nice, prices are reasonable and affordable.
I ordered 'Melt in Mouth' as my dessert and Jujube ordered 'Ava bla bla bla', sorry, forgot the dessert's name. Lol.

Melt in Mouth.

Ava bla bla bla...

She's the one I liked to hang out with, we talked a lot,

unstoppable talking with her life's stories and my stories.
She changed a lot, maybe should've write she learnt a lot from her past-life.

While I still standing there, without any remorse what I did in my past.
She had gone through something that meant a lot to her, well, so am I.

Just we're different individual, have different perspective to everything,

we have our own thoughts for certain things.
I'm happy for her that she found her own self by an incident.

When it comes to my story, I was totally flabbergasted by her remarked ‘so, did you tell your aunt after you jerked off?’ (Cause I said I tell everything to my aunt)

Awkward silent for a while, and I was like ‘Wow, this girl, is it that Jujube I knew?’ Cause she never talk about these things. What an amusing joke.

After Strawberry Moment, we went to second round. We were searching the right place to continue our topic. Our second round was in ‘Oval De Garden’, is a bar actually. It was hot like hell when we got there. We ordered liquor as our drink. Hoegaarden and Leffe Brune, both are from Belgium. Ironically, when we order our drink, the waiter looked at me and said ‘this liquor contains 8.8% of alcohol but it was out of stock.’ Wth! Actually Jujube not allowed me to order that liquor cause later I’ve to ride motorbike to my friend’s house.

Hoegaarden

She was trying my Leffe Brune.

I like this picture pretty much. She was grinning at her way, a natural way.

We chat until twelve quarter, and she have to go back due to I’ve a movie at 12:30am.

Time passed, I hope time could stop there, or give me a lil more time, three hours really not suffice enough for me to chat with her. No doubt, I liked to chat with her individually, without a third party present, it felt nice.

A Big THANK to you, my friend, you brighten up my day.